For many centuries in Western civilization, grandiose headpieces have been a sign of wealth a poise. This task they did very well, considering how much money it took to purchase them and how heavy they could be.
I submit that for our society to grow we must bring back large headpieces. I’m not arguing that only women wear fake birds and entire spools of fabric on their brow. Nay, I argue that men too should be encouraged to wear large, statement-making, neck-breaking headpieces.
Gone are the bygone days when the pillbox graced the perfectly combed hair of our grandmothers. And dead are the years when our great, great, great grandmothers wove their hair into elaborate nests upon which they placed all manner of animal, vegetable, and mineral, while their husbands brushed ceilings with their silken top hats. But these bygone days can come back. We’ve nostalgia for everything else, so let’s bring back the glorious-ness that is the wearing of hats. Let us all walk about to our work, churches, and shopping looking like RuPaul styled us from the neck up. Let us embrace the culture of wearing our hearts on our head and expressing our personalities, desires, and needs on our dainty curls.
It will be good for us. It will make us tough, thick-necked, graceful. We will all hold our heads high (to keep our necks from breaking), while helping us to lose weight because of the extra weight we will carry. Why not embrace the weird restricted flamboyance of our ancestors and wear their strange headpieces? They will surely boost the economy. What country specializes in making flamboyant hats? None, that I know of. So if our country becomes the premier manufacturer of glorious crowning glories, then we boost our sales of all manner of oddities and handicraft materials. Etsy, internet home to all things odd, will do booming business creating the new products to fill this otherwise defunct market.
And, in a few years, once we are all better, wealthier people, we can trade these monstrosities for the more demure fedoras, bowlers, pill boxes, and fillets.