10. Because life is, well, life and I let a lot of time get between the blog post and I. A few posts back I mumbled philosophically about time and nonsense. Ignore it. Time’s a dog who doesn’t want to go the vet; it just keeps running away from you.
9. Because wild Jesuit monks flew down from my rafters, held me captive, and made me give them my secret recipe for chewy, tasty, delicious, you’ll-give-up-everything-else-forever whole wheat bread. I think they put it in their “Taste of the Monastery Cookbook.” Yes, I am very aware that I will probably burn forever for my cavalier treatment of monks. It’s ok; I’ve lived in New Mexico. I’m used to the heat.
8. Because I was caught in a maze in my own home, created by my own hands out of stacks of books, laundry, and several unpacked boxes marked “important! Unpack immediately!”, which trapped me in a corner where I could do nothing but watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer on dvd and drink a lot of tea (cold) because it’s also been about 5280 degrees in my house. A mile of what-the-hell, Mother Nature.
7. Because no one else did it. I’m just as much of a lemming as the rest of you lemmings. Where’s the nearest cliff?
6. Because I decided it was better as a way to torture my developmental writing students than as a way to torture myself and I decided I never wanted to share my creative stuff online. ever. (This might change if I ever get really drunk or body snatched by really caring aliens or something.)
5. Because Clark Gable rescued me from the Yankees and the burning of Atlanta and I spent all my time alternating between fainting and slapping him silly. It’s exhausting work, but, God as my witness, someone has to do it. Fiddle mphmmm. dee Sorry, he just had to kiss me again. Says he knows how or something. How hard can it be. lips + lips= kiss. And again, I show why I’m not fit to star in a romance… sigh. sci fi here I come. Yeah, go ahead and bring the zombies.
4. Because the blog was set on fire by a rogue firework. Safety first. See the scorch marks in the corner there. No, not that corner, the other one.
3. Because I saw a centipede. A fracking centipede. And may have been afraid to use the computer in the same room as the spawn of Satan–for days–days and days. Or maybe I’m still looking warily at the box that was close to the portal/wormhole that opened up in the floor and helped him escape, which I haven’t unpacked. Totally the reason. It’s not because I’m lazy. (ps. remind me to tell the tale of centipedes and portals. Portals+centipedes= bad.)
2. Because I was hand-picked for an important secret mission with the CIA, and subsequently had to rescue my family from the hands of the greatest crime syndi-cat (not a typo) in the world. Cats, man. They are evil.
1. Because I’m the teacher darn it. Do as I say etc. etc.
PS. I’m not going to write for another week or two probably because I’ll be busy obsessing over the aweful impossibility of putting something back in the box it came in just as neatly as it arrived. Stupid machines… not you, computer. I love you. Please don’t go. Ah… not the blue screen. Sweet, darling computer. Don’t be cross. Here, have a megabyte. They’re your favorite.