*These aren’t really facts. More like thoughts.
I’m liking this 10 point form and I’m feeling a bit badly for neglecting my poor little blog, so you get two today. Side effects may include blurry vision from rubbing your eyes over the poor quality of my writing and/or thoughts, headaches from crinkling your forehead in concern for my mental health, and various stomach upsets from that taco you had for lunch. You really shouldn’t have gone for the extra one.
10. Fact: Cows are the true chosen people of God. Someday we will all be standing around confused, holding our religious books, while all the cows saunter politely into the pearly gates. Do you think cows saunter? Cows ARE pretty cool. They’re like the Fonz of domesticated animals.
9. Fact: When coffee was first introduced to Europe, most people believed it was of Satan. The Pope at the time, being a fellow who enjoyed being alert and happy, quickly realized the solution to the problem and blessed all coffee beans. Therefore, coffee is a holy drink and can kill vampires and exorcise demons. Kachow!
8. Fact: A stick-on mustache is the perfect disguise. Even your mother will not recognize you. However, it will always fall off at the most inopportune moment.
7. Fact: Too much typing will give you carpel tunnel syndrome. Gnomes dig tunnels. Typing causes your wrists to be infested with gnomes. Gross. They will also steal your underwear.
6. Fact: Statistically, there is typically one spider per square foot of lawn. This is not a problem since most are small, harmless, named Fred and like to knit, sing karaoke, and drink wine. But in some parts of the world, they are all called names like Bruce and Hammer, like to make macrame portraits out of human bones, and make massive webs that can catch fish, birds, and fishermen.
5. Fact: Planet of the Apes is scarier than any zombie/ghost/vampire/ virus/serial killer vs aliens from outer space who eat your brains with straws and whipped cream movie. Ever. Period. Furthermore, since our own Renaissance man, James Franco was in the most recent franchise film, we should probably keep him out of science. He’s good at everything else, but he’d probably screw science up very seriously.
4. Fact: Monkeys want to make you their pet or eat you. Early attempts to decipher their messages of doom have been misinterpreted like, “Ah, look, Honey. That monkey thinks he’s people!”
3. Fact: Most scientists make “pew pew” noises when they are in the middle of a serious scientific enquiry. Serious, shmerious. Pew Pew, Cancer, pew pew.
2. Fact: Literature is great fun until someone starts making yo momma jokes to Hamlet and he gets all huffy and moody and starts poisoning people willy-nilly. Then it’s riotous, in that way that someone is going to die. Remember when you wanted all your favorite literary characters to come to life and be your friend? Literature classes change that.
1. Fact: Making stuff up is more difficult than just looking it up. And, you were lied to in kindergarten. You have way more than five senses. Look it up if you don’t believe me. I’m not only about the made-up stuff. Kindergarten teachers are liars. They are also the foundation of your education, so your education is very shaky. Watch for earthquakes.