Ten Facts* That Should Keep You up at Night

*These aren’t really facts. More like thoughts.

An amusing photo that has nothing to do with this list, but which should keep monkeys from being the default photo.

I’m liking this 10 point form and I’m feeling a bit badly for neglecting my poor little blog, so you get two today. Side effects may include blurry vision from rubbing your eyes over the poor quality of my writing and/or thoughts, headaches from crinkling your forehead in concern for my mental health, and various stomach upsets from that taco you had for lunch. You really shouldn’t have gone for the extra one.

10. Fact: Cows are the true chosen people of God. Someday we will all be standing around confused, holding our religious books, while all the cows saunter politely into the pearly gates. Do you think cows saunter? Cows ARE pretty cool. They’re like the Fonz of domesticated animals.

9. Fact: When coffee was first introduced to Europe, most people believed it was of Satan. The Pope at the time, being a fellow who enjoyed being alert and happy, quickly realized the solution to the problem and blessed all coffee beans. Therefore, coffee is a holy drink and can kill vampires and exorcise demons.  Kachow!

8. Fact: A stick-on mustache is the perfect disguise. Even your mother will not recognize you. However, it will always fall off at the most inopportune moment.

7. Fact: Too much typing will give you carpel tunnel syndrome. Gnomes dig tunnels. Typing causes your wrists to be infested with gnomes. Gross. They will also steal your underwear.  

6.  Fact: Statistically, there is typically one spider per square foot of lawn. This is not a problem since most are small, harmless, named Fred and like to knit, sing karaoke, and drink wine. But in some parts of the world, they are all called names like Bruce and Hammer, like to make macrame portraits out of human bones, and make massive webs that can catch fish, birds, and fishermen.

5.  Fact: Planet of the Apes is scarier than any zombie/ghost/vampire/ virus/serial killer vs aliens from outer space who eat your brains with straws and whipped cream movie. Ever. Period. Furthermore, since our own Renaissance man, James Franco was in the most recent franchise film, we should probably keep him out of science. He’s good at everything else, but he’d probably screw science up very seriously.

4. Fact: Monkeys want to make you their pet or eat you. Early attempts to decipher their messages of doom have been misinterpreted like, “Ah, look, Honey. That monkey thinks he’s people!”

3. Fact: Most scientists make “pew pew” noises when they are in the middle of a serious scientific enquiry.  Serious, shmerious. Pew Pew, Cancer, pew pew.

2. Fact: Literature is great fun until someone starts making yo momma jokes to Hamlet and he gets all huffy and moody and starts poisoning people willy-nilly. Then it’s riotous, in that way that someone is going to die. Remember when you wanted all your favorite literary characters to come to life and be your friend? Literature classes change that.

1. Fact: Making stuff up is more difficult than just looking it up. And, you were lied to in kindergarten. You have way more than five senses. Look it up if you don’t believe me. I’m not only about the made-up stuff. Kindergarten teachers are liars. They are also the foundation of your education, so your education is very shaky. Watch for earthquakes.   


About charliegreenberry

I grew up in the wilds of New Mexico in a strange combination of free and restricted. Now, as I stumble unwillingly into adulthood, I find memories resurfacing. So I dust them off, sand them, slap on a coat of paint and display them with the hopes that at some point they'll make sense and pull the room together. The blog is a space for writing, for sharing, someday sharing without worrying about who is reading it, and a place to practice. Virginia Woolf said, "A woman must have money and a room of her own if she is to write fiction." Well, here's to having a room at least.
This entry was posted in inspiration, lists, pseudoscience. Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to Ten Facts* That Should Keep You up at Night

  1. Caity says:

    Hahahahaha! I’m liking this top ten list idea! Very amusing. Although I think you’re biased on the monkey thing…lol

  2. I like you, Roomie, and I’m glad you write blogs because they are funny 🙂

  3. Courtney says:

    True facts from anthro class (because I side with the author on this monkey business): apes have been known to chew people’s faces off and marmots are little evil terrors who can and will bite holes in the top of your head.

    Thank you for that tidbit of coffee wisdom. 🙂

    • Horrifying. Apes, monkeys, humans. All very scary animals. The coffee one is actual fact, except for the exorcism and vampire part. That’s pure speculation. I bet it would work though. Why don’t you go try and report back to me? 😉

  4. Nina B says:

    Re: #2–I feel slightly responsible there but am not sure whether to be apologetic or proud. Probably apologetic when it comes to things like forcing people to read ALMANAC OF THE DEAD. Wait, I’m not sorry at all. Just another evil English prof.

  5. Fine this was an entertaining analysis, thanks a bunch for your work in the research. This blog is getting saved for sure!

  6. Pingback: Floors

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