In a Pickle with Some Zombies

My friend Jon, who collects facebook friends like stamps, posted this quote as his status a few das ago: “Stop being so paranoid, man. If you think the world’s about to end – which it ain’t – you should be worrying about how much fun you can have before the shit hits the fan, not how you’ll survive when the beans run out and your gran turns into a zombie.”- Ozzy Osbourne

My first thought was, “That’s nice, Ozzy, but you are a zombie. You’re just trying to get people to chill so you can eat them in peace.”  My second thought was that Ozzy has a good grasp on poetic construction

I’ve thought about zombies and what I would do if they came. The truth is, I’m pretty sure I’d just die. I don’t run that fast, I couldn’t kill a loved one, and I certainly don’t have the requisite stockpile of survival stuff. I’m too clumsy to be a human in a zombie apocalypse and I can’t get the lid off of a jar of pickles, so I’ll probably be a bad zombie too. I might as well give up.

At my MA graduation, I ran into my friend Joanna. Pressed against a wall by all the swarming people, she turned to me and said, “This would really be a shitty time for the zombie apocalypse to begin.” Joanna happens to think about zombies a lot. She will survive when they come. In fact, I bet she is even weary of drunks and people with limps.

This link will take you to the CDC’s page on zombie preparedness. That’s right, I said the CDC, the fancy, sciency organization that is supposed to keep you from dying of the flu and MRSA has a section about zombies.

You should feel relieved to know that should there be a zombie outbreak, the CDC will probably still exist. At the link above, they offer survival tips so you can survive too. They pass off their discussion on zombies by saying that if you are prepared to survive zombies, then you are prepared to survive any disaster. But that comes dangerously close to saying that you need to stockpile weapons to survive a severe outbreak of the flu.

Yeah, ok, so they don’t exactly tell you to stockpile weapons, but we all know that you need to have at least a pretty big collection of records you don’t mind chucking if you are going to survive. The CDC just keeps going on about sanitation and food. Psh… We’re dealing with the undead here.

So the truth of it is, I don’t think it’s worth surviving if my granny’s a zombie and everyone else is too, so I happen to agree with Ozzy and Jon. Jon will probably survive, but only because he wasn’t actually paying enough attention to get involved or because the Air Force will send him up in an aircraft to fire on the undead. Ozzy will survive, but only because he is a drugged mutant who feels no pain.

A few weeks ago, I was driving through town when I saw a man stumbling and shuffling down the road. He was obviously hurt. I didn’t offer to help him for two reasons: stranger danger is deeply imbedded in my psyche and I had the irrational yet substantial thought that maybe he was a zombie. I don’t want to be the type of person anymore who worries about her own safety over anyone else’s, and I don’t want to be the type of person who doesn’t have any fun because she worries about every damn thing.

As I said earlier, I’m not surviving. I know this because at one point in my life, I was concerned with surviving disasters. It was post-Katrina, post-Jericho (you know, the best tv show that CBS canceled ever, nuts) and I was, in all fairness, a product of 9-11. I was a freshman in high school when that happened and everyone went crazy. I’ve participated in more terrorists-bombed-and-what-do-we-do-now drills than I care to admit. I know I’m not surviving because all my resources and all my preparing didn’t even help me when I was broken down on the side of the road.

The thing is, I’m done worrying about all the things I think about: student loans, disaster, break-ins, rapists, and murder. I don’t want to think about what will happen if someone I love is hurt or killed. I don’t want to stress about politics anymore, and I certainly don’t want to worry about what anyone thinks.

 Some of you reading this are probably going to send me messages about how I shouldn’t encourage people to stop being prepared. After all, if you are prepared for a zombie apocalypse, you are prepared for anything. That’s not what I’m saying at all, but the thing is, you can have all the prep work in the world and screw one little thing up, miss one little thing, and all that stress and all those ulcers were for nothing.  

So that’s it.


About charliegreenberry

I grew up in the wilds of New Mexico in a strange combination of free and restricted. Now, as I stumble unwillingly into adulthood, I find memories resurfacing. So I dust them off, sand them, slap on a coat of paint and display them with the hopes that at some point they'll make sense and pull the room together. The blog is a space for writing, for sharing, someday sharing without worrying about who is reading it, and a place to practice. Virginia Woolf said, "A woman must have money and a room of her own if she is to write fiction." Well, here's to having a room at least.
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3 Responses to In a Pickle with Some Zombies

  1. Nina says:

    Good for you, Opal. We have been conditioned (or not, if we’re lucky, careless or totally out of touch with anything happening in the world) to be afraid. It is easier to manipulate people into giving up their civil rights if they think that they will be safer that way. We live in a culture of fear of so many things that will probably never happen. So, good for you Opal, for refusing to participate. Especially since we do know that actually, zombies aren’t real.

    • Joanna says:

      Opal, Amen!! But zombies are real!! Hahaha, seriously though, great post! Also yes, you nailed it, I am a little suspect of anyone who seems to be staggering along in a stupor.

  2. Caity says:

    Oh Dopal. If I was Oprah, your blog would be listed as one of my favorite things. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being prepared, but there’s such a thing as being TO prepared, and if it’s cutting into your daily life or causing lots of stress, it’s a problem. I remember the whole Y2K deal and how people were freaking out about that. My mom just shrugged and had us make cookies. Perhaps that’s why I have the urge to bake when I get upset…lol. And if the zombie outbreak comes, well, I’ll see you in heaven shortly there after. I know I won’t survive either. Could you imagine me trying to run?! So exhausting! And all the blood and eating people’s brains….so unsanitary. *shudder* Nope, I’ll just stick with dying right at the start!

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