This morning my dad gave me the cryptic bit of advice: I should listen to my dog, Kelly. This bit of advice had nothing to do with today’s conversation, but I believe it probably has something to do with a chat earlier this week we had in which I told him about Kelly’s weird reactions to different people. However, I know what happens when we assume, so I’m going to assume (har har) that it was cryptic like a fortune cookie. In that assumption, here are some things Kelly taught me that I will endeavor to pick up on this week. You, dear reader, should pick them up too. They will likely improve your life terrifically.
1. Let nothing stand in your way. If the person in your life moves the chocolate to the top shelf, climb the books like a mountain goat and eat it. If you find yourself locked in a room, learn to turn the door knob. If you are chasing a ball, don’t mind the walls; they only hurt for a second. (Caveat: if you hit the brick fireplace, limp around so you get extra hugs and “poor baby’s.”)
2. If you don’t like a situation, there’s no protest like a smelly poop. Try hiding it so that it isn’t immediately found.
3. If you truly love and cherish something like a stuffed raccoon or a cushy pillow, chew that mother up and drag it all over the floor. Nothing says love like decapitation.
4. Books are for chewing. Shoes are for chewing. furniture is for chewing in a comfy seat.
5. If you like someone, pee on the floor then jump around jubilantly when you see them so that you get it on as many things as possible. This lets them know that you are very excited to see them.
6. Everyone loves a belly rub. When you like someone, roll over and let them enjoy scratching your tummy.
7. The most important thing in life is food. Eat all of it except the stuff you don’t like. Spread that stuff out on the carpet. It’s a good way to show you hate it.
8. When your favorite person is in the room, fall over repeatedly and then follow them into the bathroom. Refuse to leave, and when they tell you to get out, chase your tail in circles and attempt to see what they are doing.
9. Never pass up an opportunity to trip someone.
10. Sniff everyone. It lets them know you like the way they smell or that you recognize that they rolled in roadkill and you applaud their efforts.