Flirting: The best way to flirt is to be so quiet that the object of your affection doesn’t realize you are there. While you are being quiet, think about how awesome your crush is so that your brain waves will tip them off subliminally to your hope. Once you’ve done that long enough, find ways to insult them. This is the grown up version of punching the kid you like on the playground. Make sure they can’t tell if you are flirting or being mean so that you leave them guessing. The element of mystery is in your favor.
Work: Get embarrassingly drunk at office parties. Make sure that you do a stupid dance in a corner by yourself and spout random factoids at every turn. Tell stories, but forget that those stories don’t have a punchline. Finish them by nodding awkwardly at the floor and taking a sloppy sip of your drink. Try to spill a bit down your top. This will ensure that everyone thinks you are so funny that they give you a wide berth at work because they don’t want to be distracted by your hilarity. You’ll have plenty of time to get stuff done.
Friends: Suggest fun group activities like skipping down the median of busy highways, playing scrabble with your faces taped into funny positions, or champion bird calling. Send out mass texts that talk about your bodily functions followed by “lol” or “haha.” Follow the inevitable silence with “I thought you’d want to know because I love you. I care about your bowel movements.”
Family: The following is best for large family gatherings. When talking to your grandmother, go into extreme detail about the ingrown hair you had on your butt. Be sure to keep the conversation going long enough to allow you the chance to moon all your relatives.
Public Transportation: Strike up a conversation with a stranger about the two best topics: politics and religion. Don’t be surprised when the conversation gets interesting.
Coffee Shops: Read stories out loud in funny accents. Americans love foreigners, so this is a good way to make friends.