Gifts for Jerks

I hate much about this time of year. Sure, it comes with my birthday and pretty Christmas decorations, and happy looking people, but there’s a seedy underbelly to the holiday season: the need to give gifts to people you don’t like. At the best of times, I’m a pretty terrible giver of gifts. In fact, to save myself the hassle, this year, unless I stumble upon perfection, all my favorites are getting a bag of baked goods. The thing is, I neither believe in spending lots of cash I don’t have to prove my love or (as the case may be) toleration of a person nor the need to give someone what they ask for. To me, gift giving should be a spontaneous act of kindness because you care for someone, because you know they need to feel appreciated, or because you simply have extra cash lying around.

Worse than buying gifts for dear ones is buying the requisite gifts for people who earn gifts simply by virtue of propriety. These are the worst sorts of gifts to shop for.

Below is my easy to use shopping guide for four types of people who are difficult to buy for.

What do you get the man who has his head up his butt? Aftershave. Unpleasant smells must be a common problem for this gift getter. Help alleviate that experience with something that smells nice. Pro tip: Get a really strong one so that you can smell this guy coming. It’s like tying bells on a cat.

What do you get the woman (nay, child) who sneers at gifts she doesn’t like? A mirror. This way, she can see how ugly she looks when she’s being ungrateful and practice faking niceties.

What do you get the annoying relative? A snuggie. A snuggie is basically a flammable flambe bag for people. It’s a goofy-looking death trap. A snuggie doesn’t say “I hope you die in a fire.” but it winks and nods its head toward the fireplace, causing relatives to start to wonder if maybe the reason you “can’t keep a significant other” is because you kill them in their sleep. They will be a bit more courteous after this gift. You don’t have to be a murderer to reap the benefits. Pro tip: Snuggies come in a flame pattern, which is the equivalent of winking, nodding, and saying “wink, wink, nudge, nudge.”

What do you get the friend who is not a friend? A greeting card.  We all have them. They smile, they seem kind, but they are much better at asking for help than granting it. Let’s face it, if you were on the Monty Python bridge and the fellow asked you if they were a friend, you’d say “yes! Wait, no!” and fall to a painful death. You have to shop for this person because they got you a ridiculously priced gift that sits in your living space making everything around it look guilty. Thanks to years of greeting card sensitivity training, everyone in this country understands that we buy greeting cards when we don’t know how to express our incredibly deep feelings. Take advantage of that, choosing willy nilly from the friendship or Christmas selection.Pro tip: Don’t write anything in the card, in fact, don’t even bother to sign it. Just write the terrible friend’s name on the envelope. It’s a regiftable gift. How much better can you get?

Who do you dread buying for this season?


About charliegreenberry

I grew up in the wilds of New Mexico in a strange combination of free and restricted. Now, as I stumble unwillingly into adulthood, I find memories resurfacing. So I dust them off, sand them, slap on a coat of paint and display them with the hopes that at some point they'll make sense and pull the room together. The blog is a space for writing, for sharing, someday sharing without worrying about who is reading it, and a place to practice. Virginia Woolf said, "A woman must have money and a room of her own if she is to write fiction." Well, here's to having a room at least.
This entry was posted in adulthood, cheating, family, lists, people, personality, quirk, shopping, war. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Gifts for Jerks

  1. Caity says:

    I can’t remember the last time I laughed until I cried, but I’m pretty sure it was last time I had a moment to sit down and read your blog. This post is amazingly fantastic and I think you could make a lot of money on a book filled with little blurbs like this! This totally made my evening and I will probably be emailing it to my grandparents. My grandmother has a newly-found cousin and his wife makes her a little crazy, so I know she’ll get a kick out of this. Also, this list will come in handy now that I can no longer use the excuse that I’m a poor college student to avoid buying gifts for people I don’t want to spend money on. You’re brilliant, and I hope I can get my bank account all set up soon so I can do some online shopping and send you something! You’re always easy to shop for because I know I can find something you’ll like! Also, I will be sending you my new address so I can get a bag of bake goods. 😉

  2. Ah Caity, thanks so much! If I could get time to come up and see you, I’d deliver your goodies in person.

  3. kadry says:

    Very useful blog. It was very useful. I was searching exaxtly for this. Thank you for your effort. I hope you will write more such useful posts.

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