This post is in honor of my brother who tells me that facebook is just a more socially acceptable method of writing on the bathroom wall.
It has become apparent that, after close to a decade of Facebook, we need to set some guidelines for how to make friends on social networking sites. Because we are all over 13, we must abandon the traditional sorts of friendship-skill building activities like Share Time 101, Communal Snacking 222, Improper Hand Washing 399, Friendly Sneezing 400, and Leaving Legos Lying Around 599. Instead, I’ve elected myself teacher, and I’ve compiled a handout of 6 quick and easy reminders for social behavior.
1. Make everything about you, seriously, everything. If you find your friends celebrating or seeking comfort, slam them with all that’s going on in your life. This shows friends that you care about them, but, like the old holiday letter, reminds them that you are still better than they every were. That’s important because, while everyone likes to have some slacker friends who make them look good, as we get older we realize its the ones who are doing so much better than us that make us look good and ditch those slacking friends. This, of course, creates a vicious cycle in which we are forever in danger of being unfriended. It is always better to be the successful friend. Examples:
Oh heyy, just wanted to stop by and congratulate you on getting married. I don’t know if you are aware, but I got married four years ago. It’s amazing. So exciting!!
Hey, I’m praying for you. I understand what you’re going through with the loss of your grandmother. I’ve had the WORST week ever. First my car broke down, then McDonald’s totally screwed up my order, then blahbitty blah blah.
I don’t think I need to finish that one because I bet all of you were filling in from your favorite about-me friend.
2. Be the dramatic friend.
You never hear people say things like, “Ugg. I’m deleting her. She’s so dramatic!” Remember all those “banned” words in junior high writing? Use those suckers. The more you put in each sentence, the more friends you will have. Post several times a about how awful your life is. The effect of your drama is that you will always be the exciting friend. Everyone wants to have friends who lead interesting, engaging lives. Be that friend, and if you can’t walk it, at least make it sound like you are the interesting one.
3. Complain about your love life.
Remember, it’s never your fault when a relationship ends. All the blame is on the other party. Don’t think too hard about this one, or you’ll just get sucked into the pit of logic that the “man” wants you to fall into. Carefully document your pursuits for love. Explain what would make you a great boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse and focus on how those traits will make your potential partner’s life so much easier. Then, when the other person, who is obviously too blinded by his/her hangups about relationships to notice you, ignores your blatant attempts at contact, post about how stupid the other person is. Rest assured, they don’t deserve you.
The best part about this method is that you will never run out of sympathy posts. It’s like you are on constant suicide watch.
4. Post pictures of really mundane foods.
5. Play all the games on facebook, and then, when your page gets hacked, blame it on the friend who posts about things that you don’t like.
We all know that you are more likely to get a virus because a friend opened a message in their inbox and didn’t send it off so that Bill Gates would give $1 to kids with cancer. Those viruses naturally travel to your Facebook, where they spam your friends with nasty eye-to-eye shots of babies being born or girls who commit suicide after their fathers post on their wall. It’s not your fault you got a virus. Ignore all of those totally fake articles from legitimate news sources that accuse (wrongly!) your zombie-gangster-farmer game of selling your private information to advertisers. It was definitely that guy who said he drank a Sam Adams with his dinner. The Sam Adams virus is a sneaky bugger.
6. Correct everyone’s grammar.
Forget for just a second that English is the bastard child of a linguistic orgy of German, Latin, French, and Celtic remnants. Forget that you don’t know what a split infinitive is or how a comma splice should be corrected. Focus on what you do know: That even though you can generally tell what the person meant when he/she wrote it, confused homophones are super annoying and a really good way to make you look like a grammar genius. Proudly declare yourself the grammar police and go forth. Wield the * with pride as you correct everyone’s your’s and their’s. Correcting your friends’ homonyms will let them know that you are actually reading their posts. That is, after all, why people write on the wall.