Love in the Time of Zombies: A How-To Guide

So, you’ve found yourself smack in the middle of a zombie outbreak and somehow the internet is still up and running. You’re obviously in need of some help, so you hit the google and find my blog.

If you are here, you probably have a problem. Love isn’t really the top priority when hoards of undead, people-shaped blobs of flesh are trying to consume your brains, but hey, to each his own. Maybe you are well-sheltered and supplied and have no real concerns about starving to death or being lunch. Or maybe you are taking advantage of the recent extreme reduction in the population and want to take advantage of all those “Maybe if you were the last man/woman on earth” promises. Maybe you are trying repopulate the earth. Whatever the reason you are trying to fall in love while large groups of smelly people are trying eat you alive, you’ve come to the right place.

Step one: Find a Suitable Mate

Since you are on this site, the internet is obviously still going strong. Right now, the commercial says 1 out of 5 couples met online. I’ll bet that the zombies will make that number much higher. You really need to be careful about it though. just because the population has been severely cut doesn’t mean that there aren’t still creepy people trolling dating sites. You also need to figure out how to protect yourself from riskier dangers. If the zombies are semi-cognizant, they will have no trouble creating a profile. Check for photos in which potential mates are dressed terribly out of fashion. If an outfit was hip 10 years ago, run. No seriously, if they are intelligent, it means they are also fast. Look it up. Once you’ve established a relationship with someone online, it’s time to take it to the next step.

Alternative methods include smoke signals, Morse code, mental telepathy, and wishing really hard.

Step two: Get to Your New Mate

These days, we complain when we have a “long-distance” relationship where we can reach each other in 4-6 hours. But after the zombies, a long-distance relationship may even just be defined when your potential spouse is in the next building. This is perhaps the most crucial step in this process because if you die on your way to meet the love of your life, then your would-be true love is going to think you stood him/her up on your first real date. That’s not a cool thing to do. The safest route is to just have an imaginary girlfriend/boyfriend and stay away from real people, but imagination just doesn’t seem to work for you. The second safest way to get there is to build a teleporter, but that technology is far in the future. If you can’t tell, I have no idea how you are going to get to your new love. And how can I? We don’t have zombies. I suggest you figure it out fast though, there’s no telling how long your future spouse will live.

Step three: Keep Your New Mate

At one time, diet-related health problems were the greatest killers. I think you’ll see that not much has changed. After all, now the tables are just turned and you are the diet. You don’t want to lose your mate. However, you also don’t want to die because you trust your spouse too much. Make sure that you check your new friend daily for bite marks and other signs of infection. The last thing you want is for your spouse to turn while you are in a vulnerable position.

Step four: Handle Arguments with Your Mate

Unless you want to start the process all over again, throwing your mate out into the undead hordes is not an acceptable way to win an argument. Neither is yelling so loud that you attract the hordes to your super secret hiding spot. In this case, you need to master the angry whisper. In the current world, you only have to be able to use that whisper when you are fighting in public. With the zombies, you should spend your whole life never registering above a breath of wind. Furthermore, things are changed for you. What was an arguable offense before the zombies is no longer worthy of shouting about. No one cares about the twist tie on the bread, so you should really find something else to get angry over. The good news is that you will be in really close proximity all the time. You both have ridiculously annoying habits. Focus on those long enough and you’ll have plenty to fight about.

That’s it; you’re all set. Enjoy the apocalypse.


About charliegreenberry

I grew up in the wilds of New Mexico in a strange combination of free and restricted. Now, as I stumble unwillingly into adulthood, I find memories resurfacing. So I dust them off, sand them, slap on a coat of paint and display them with the hopes that at some point they'll make sense and pull the room together. The blog is a space for writing, for sharing, someday sharing without worrying about who is reading it, and a place to practice. Virginia Woolf said, "A woman must have money and a room of her own if she is to write fiction." Well, here's to having a room at least.
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