We are constantly being bombarded by terrible movies, and, after watching one last night, I realize that I have what it takes to write them. Don’t worry, I won’t forget you when I am famous. Here’s my pitch.
Ok, remember Valentine’s Day, the movie about all the angst and romance that happens on Pepto Bismol day? Well, New Years Eve just came out on dvd, and, in the mood for a terrible, cheesy movie that could neither make me think nor feel, I watched it. It was just as terrible as it looked.
Let me tell you about it without any “spoilers” because I certainly wouldn’t want to spoil a formulaic ticket-blackhole.
New Years Eve follows a bunch of beautiful celebrities and one horse in their quests for happiness. Kidding about the horse. That would’ve made the movie almost awesome. The only semi-touching part was when Zac Effron helps an aging, introverted Michelle Pfeiffer find her mojo. And when Lea Michele gets the chance to sing Auld Lang Syne, she makes a fool of herself by opening fire on the crowds. Oh wait, that is also a lie. Instead she just sang the song with ridiculously exaggerated facial expressions.
Valentine’s Day is likewise a celebrity fest of love, but I can’t remember anything about it except that Taylor Swift dates a gigantic stuffed bear. I think.
Since we are going to have this series of Rom-Coms based on holidays, I have a few concepts I’ve come up with myself. I surely hope the right person reads this and pays me millions to write this crap. I mean, touching and heart-warming stories of love.
1. St. Patrick’s Day: a romantic story of love and loss in which 13 (7 men, 8 women) ridiculously photo-shopped celebrities meet each other in the streets of Boston. All of them wake up the next morning, unaware of what they did the night before, but the women all realize something is wrong when they are still vomiting despite having quit drinking green beer a month ago. The real love problem in this story will come from two of the women having to fight over one of the men who impregnated them. Don’t worry, a long tragic illness will solve the problem and one of those women will raise the other’s child as her own. The bonus here is we have a ready-made St. Patrick’s Day II: The Next Generation all ready to go.
2. Arbor Day: A series of magical coincidences throw together 10 celebrities planting trees for arbor day. One of these women will be incredibly clumsy and blonde. That’s important to the story because her new-found lover, a botanist with a massive L.A. apartment, will need to save her often. Also, the trees will be a metaphor for planting the seeds of love. Just to make sure it’s obvious, we’ll have Morgan Freeman do a voice over in which he explains what arbor day is all about: falling in love:
3. Prostate Cancer Awareness Month: Nothing says ready to fall in love like frequent urges to pee, and that is exactly what happens to Leonardo DiCaprio attends a lot of ball games, and has to pee all the time because he also has an enlarged prostate. On one of these trips to the bathroom, he meets Glen Close dressed in drag because she is studying a part. He wonders if he isn’t realizing he is gay when they start to build a tentative relationship while waiting for the boys’ room, but then his ex-wife, Tori Spelling, comes back into his life and offers him the key to happiness, a stadium catheter. Will Glen Close convince Leo to see his Doctor and get a cancer screening before Tori ruins his life? Do we even have to ask?