Four Fashions We Need to Eliminate and the Historical Reasons Why


1. skinny jeans

Look, skinny jeans have had their run. If you find yourself combining jeans, the symbol of rugged individualism, with leggings, basically exactly what they wore back in the courtly days, into jeggings, you have a serious issue. Back in those courtly days, baggy ass syndrome was common among those who couldn’t afford to get theirs fitted. That last statement isn’t backed up by any “fact,” but it’s probably true. Skinny jeans are just designed to make their wearer look like they are wearing a diaper. Way-back-when tights tended to at least have easy access panels for doing your business. When I see young men walking around in skinny jeans, I get a little worried for their safety. There’s absolutely no running away from something in a pair of those things and if a wild fart appears, I’m pretty sure it just hangs out back there making uncomfortable bubbles all over the wearer’s legs. Plus, let’s consider the chaffing. The reason why jeans became so popular in the 1800s is because they lasted through rough activities and protected their wearer’s legs. Jeggings aren’t going to protect you from a mosquito, let alone a snake, and synthetic fibers tend to cause uncomfortable chafing where it rubs the skin.

Verdict: Burn all your skinny jeans but make sure you take them off first.

2. feathers in hair

I’ll admit it: these can look pretty cute when they are done properly, but appearances are not the issue here. The problem is that there is this little thing called disease. I don’t know if you’ve ever had chickens; I sure have, and I can tell you that they are not the cleanest animals. Even in a well-kept barn, they can get lice like they came with them. Chickens poop indiscriminately, and tend to attack each other like they are zombies. Never mind the fact that roosters are serial rapists. Just think about how nasty chickens are the next time you stick their ass feathers in your hair. As for history, remember the black plague? Well, ok, I know you weren’t there to remember it, but remember reading about it? This was another time in history when chicken asses were of interest. Medieval quacks used to pluck the chicken’s bahooky and strap that sucker to plague victim’s pustules. Since the pustules tended to appear on the underarms and crotch, you can just imagine how awesome that was. When you wear a stupid feather in your hair, you are paying homage to the plague, quackery, and the chicken-plucking industry.

3. Fur Boots

Ok, we know the song, and we know that women continue to buy the boots with the furrrrrr. That doesn’t mean we should keep that up. While modern boots are made with fake fur and synthetic squishy stuff, we aren’t the first generation to think that fur boots are totes hawt. This dude did, too. Ah yeah, he’s the kind of fashion icon women want to model themselves after. Besides that, lets think of the poor dogs. I mean, I’m not for blaming the victim or anything, but when a dog humps your chewbacca boot, it’s your own damn fault.

4. Excessive Tanning:

Y’all know all about skin cancer by now, so I’m not going to bother lecturing you on how easy it is to develop melanoma after tanning in a giant George Forman Grill. Instead, lets talk about colonialism. The British empire scattered across the world like ants with a horny toad in their hill, and they took with them a strong sense of superiority. Simply and hastily put, acknowledging that lots of facts and issues are left out,  this normalized a system in which skin color was strongly associated with class. Then that leads to post-colonialism, in which a dominant social construction starts to appropriate the culture and looks of the groups it nearly wiped out. We call this post-colonial nostalgia. This obsession with getting tan and shaming of people who don’t tan is a form of oppression, basically saying that pale people who tan themselves dark are better than those who are born that way because they worked for it and because they take care of themselves. Joke’s on white people, though. We keep tanning like this, and we are all going to die off.

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About charliegreenberry

I grew up in the wilds of New Mexico in a strange combination of free and restricted. Now, as I stumble unwillingly into adulthood, I find memories resurfacing. So I dust them off, sand them, slap on a coat of paint and display them with the hopes that at some point they'll make sense and pull the room together. The blog is a space for writing, for sharing, someday sharing without worrying about who is reading it, and a place to practice. Virginia Woolf said, "A woman must have money and a room of her own if she is to write fiction." Well, here's to having a room at least.
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4 Responses to Four Fashions We Need to Eliminate and the Historical Reasons Why

  1. lepiratelife says:

    Haha this is such a good post!

  2. Anonymous says:

    Oh my goodness, you share my opinion. I agree with you, though I could never write it as clever.

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