It’s time we got some new gods.
Sure, the Norse gods were appropriate for Vikings and all their drinking and pranks. The Greek gods had their run of wearing funny hats and raping women while pretending to be various domestic animals, but these gods are a little outdated for these modern times. While Dionysus seems like a fun time, can you imagine the facebook fallout after one of his parties? You think you have trouble keeping a job with all of those pictures of you playing beer pong, just wait until you are tagged in a photo of naked women ripping a man’s limbs off. And Thor? Come on. While his Marvel version looks hot in his cape, the man has obviously never been introduced to manscaping, and I can’t see him having too many fans in the modern world. Now lets picture the Egyptian gods, walking among us, collecting bits of their dead spouses and putting them back together. Oh wait, that may be a bad example. Maybe that’s where all those severed legs that keep washing up on the West coast came from.
1. The god of blue jeans
Why do we need one? I have apparently offended this god at some point in my life because every pair of jeans I have ever owned ripped in the crotch about two days after they became comfortable. The bottom line is, blue jeans are terribly uncomfortable for women. Not only do they come in 50 bajillion styles that may or may not make one’s butt look like a timid turtle and sit on one’s waist like a barrel, but they also cost a lot of dough. Now women are stuck spending tons of cash to look ridiculous. I don’t know what it’s like for men to buy jeans because I haven’t spent much time as a man, but I certainly think women could use a little help.
What would this god do? Well, lets start by making her a goddess, and her body will change depending on who is asking for her help. She’ll find a pair of jeans that fit each and every one of us. The jeans she finds will never tear in unfortunate places, or get stained, or get dirty cuffs from to-long legs, or shrink in the wash.
2. The god of text messaging
Why do we need one? Oh the art of text messages. I don’t know about you, but this is how my process usually goes. I see something that makes me think of a friend, compose funny message, send, realize that probably sounded really dumb, bemoan the fact that I can’t unsend what has been sent. Have I mentioned that I’m really awkward? There are a few people that I just send things to without worry because I know they won’t stop being my friend even if I say something really ridiculous. These are the people I feel comfortable texting regarding odd things my dog does or when I see someone wearing a flightsuit in Wal-Mart. It gets even more awkward if that friend is a man. For example, I tend to say “I love you” out of habit, but if I say “I love you” to a guy friend, what if he thinks I am IN love with him? Text messaging opened up a whole new awkward world of awkwardness for chronic over-thinkers.
What would this god do? We could pray to this god when we send texts, and he would travel with the signal into the phone of the person we send it to and explain what every lol, winky face, and “k” means. It would be fantastic and take all the difficulty of communication away.
3. The god of awkward situations
Why do we need one? Awkward situations happen a lot more often than just via text for me. Maybe you guys are a little less awkward than I am, but if you are reading this blog, it probably means that you are one of my friends and are just as weird as me. Congratulations on being odd! Most of my awkward situations are my own fault. I tend to handle awkward by being overly smiley. I also tend to make a lot of jokes, which can come across as rude. For example, while at my friend’s baby shower, which she bravely asked me to plan, she was opening my gift. That part of parties is awkward for everyone. There is an “awww how cute!” quota in any room, and once you reach it, you generally still have about 300million presents left to open. My jokey-self was getting louder and louder. It’s a compulsion really. I’ve heard that you can cook a live frog by slowly boiling the water it is chilling in. I’m like a frog, except that, when I am in hot water, I tend to tell more and more stupid jokes. Just so you know, stupid jokes at a baby shower tends to be a little awkward.
What would this god do? Send regular tributes to this god, and he’ll step in on your behalf, stopping awkward situations before they get awkward. The downside to this one is of course that I will lose ALL my stories because my entire base of “story-worthy things that happened” are awkward situations, but, hey, boring is good, too.
4. The god of TV programming
Why do we need one? Firefly, Jericho, Good Christian Bitches, and a host of other great shows that get cancelled. Also, The Jersey Shore, Big Brother, and a shit-ton of other horrible TV shows that somehow persist even though they are terrible.
What would this god do? Pray to this god and your favorite TV show will never get cancelled, Nathan Fillion will be in all of them and will never look old, oh, and, if the god favors us, fist pumping will never be a thing again.