On several formally reputable channels, you can watch dozens of shows about ghosts and spirits. Contact one of these glorious shows, and they will come to your abode, find evidence of paranormal activity, show you the evidence, and leave with a hearty handshake. Don’t be fooled by the finality of the closing credits; your spirit problems aren’t over yet.
As someone who isn’t me might say, “ghost be cray cray.” While an old boyfriend or girlfriend might leave dismembered doves and cards on your porch or even break into it and stay for a few days in a secret room, a ghost just moves on into your place without any relationship to preclude their ectoplasmic stalkings. If you thought it was bad before the ghost hunters came to your house, just wait until they leave. Ghosts aren’t all that keen on having someone else tell them what they are. After a ridiculous session of “Is there anyone here?” most ghosts will up the ante.
So how do you survive post-paranormal show? Luckily, with a little patience, ghosts can be trained.
1. Convince the ghost to be useful. I don’t know about you, but me, I hate to wash dishes and fold clothes. I entertain thoughts that someday I’ll get an OCD ghost who will do it for me. You can tell if a ghost is OCD if the once-human denizen of your abode tends to move things.
How do I know if I have this kind of ghost? Do you find your keys on the kitchen table when you distinctly remember putting them on the hall table? Are you constantly bumping into furniture or losing things? You might have an OCD ghost.
How to train it: This spirit is pissed because you aren’t keeping things precisely the way he/she liked them while alive. Use that to your advantage. When you figure out a space that your ghost prefers empty, toss all your unfolded laundry there. If the spirit moves it somewhere other than your drawers or closets, sternly say, “Nope, put it away in the right place” and put it back. After a while, your spirit will figure it out and you’ll have a maid who needs neither pay nor time off.
2. Start a rock band. Moaning and banging on the walls keeping you up? Why not employ those ghosts in your very own rock band. Of course, you aren’t exactly going to be able to go on a world-wide tour, but just imagine the weird kind of fame you are going to get and the awesome names you can choose.
How do I know if I have this kind of ghost? These ghosts are like two-year-olds throwing tantrums. In their frustration at their non-fleshy state, they kick walls, they rattle chains, they scream and moan.
How to train it: This is going to take a few sleepless nights to accomplish, but it’s worth it. When you hear your ghost moaning, play a few accompanying notes on an epic electric guitar. The ghost will start to see that there is an appropriate time and place to make that much racket, and then you’ll be able to start your own racket and rake in the dough.
3. Use it for home security. Home Security Systems are wicked expensive. Cut out the middleman, and ask your dead resident to help you out instead.
How do I know if I have this kind of ghost? Have you ever heard disembodied screams? That’s a ghost just dying to scare the shit out of someone. Better a robber than you.
How to train it: You are going to have to actually allow people to break into your house for this one. When your own fear permeates the room, your ghost alarm will set off and your would-be robber will need to change his pants. A couple of these, and you’ll never have to worry about your house again.