Monstrous Indelicate

A student asked me how old I was a few days ago. I wasn’t taken aback because I’m used to indelicate questions from the mouths of students. I was, however, a tad offended by their response to my answer. They pegged me for 10 years older than I really am. I realize that, as part of the job, I dress a bit older than my age, but I was also horrible offended. To make matters worse, that night I wasn’t carded as I bought a bottle of wine.

My boss tried very diplomatically to make me feel better by telling me that I am an old soul and that I have a “classic” look. She told me I could fit in the 20s or maybe the 40s. That was flattering, but I was still passing for 10 years older than I am in whatever decade I find myself.

I’ve considered buying wrinkle cream. That stuff is unreasonably pricey. Even if it works (doubtful), who spends that much money on a tiny pot of goo (desperate people). I’m not desperate. I’m just prematurely old.

As a result of my extreme aging, I’ve been thinking about a list I wrote several years ago of things I would do when I was old.

1. When I am an old lady, I will not worry about hurting delicate feelings. I will ask impertinent questions. I will make stupid jokes. I will not worry about the consequences.

2. When I am an old lady, I will wear large hats everywhere. I will not worry about blocking anyone’s view. I will sit in front rows everywhere I go.

3. When I am an old lady, I will drink champagne with my best friends. We will get matching butt tattoos and embarrass our grandchildren with them.

4. When I am an old lady,  I will learn random phrases in other 7. When I am an old lady,languages and throw them casually into conversation without cause.

5. When I am an old lady, I will jump out of airplanes on the weekends. I will blow my retirement fund paragliding in South America. I will not leave anything for my children but memories.

6. When I am an old lady, I will offer unsolicited advice to everyone.

7. When I am an old lady, I will slow dance in public places.

8. When I am an old lady, I will not worry about what is good or bad. I will worry about what is fun.

9. When I am an old lady, I will goose my partner in public. I will call him Hot Stuff and watch the young people blush.

10. When I am an old lady, I will sleep in a hammock under the stars.

You know, maybe it’s time to just be an old lady now.